Wednesday, February 8, 2012

The Disturbing Persistence of Star Wars

Listen, I'm a mega-huge Star Wars fan. It hit me at a very formative time of my life, and I've basically measured every other movie--consciously or unconsciously--against it.

But come on, man. All six movies in 3-D? Really?

Ok, I'll admit: it would be cool to see Episodes IV and V in 3-D. I can't deny it. The space battle scenes would be sick--I can just imagine T.I.E. fighters flying straight at my face. And it gives me chills.

But what about the massive pile of stinking wreckage that is Episodes VI and I-III? Does Lucas think the visceral outpouring of bile against these movies was just a fluke?

I mean, I didn't even really like "Jedi" when I first saw it, and that was 17,000 years ago. It has not gotten better with time. And the prequels were just unwatchable. I don't care what anyone says about Ep. III: it stunk to high heaven and lowest hell.

It is no mistake that Hayden Christensen has faded from public view. He's an absolutely atrocious actor, and I will not--NOT NOT NOT!!!--sit through watching his massive dopey pouting-lipped head on screen anymore.

OK, the CGI in Ep. III was OK. Granted. But the story was so derivative, so transparently thrown together as a ploy to make piles of cash, that I welcomed Darth Vader's silly "Noooooooo!" the end as validation that George Lucas had lost his friggin mind.

I have no larger point in writing this. I just barfed a little in my mouth when I saw the preview for Phantom Menace in 3-D during the Super Bowl (can you possibly imagine a more huge waste of life than seeing that movie again?).

But I guess once you get as rich as Lucas, you can surround yourself with vaccuous sycophants who tell you how great you are, even when you clearly lost your mojo around the time of the George H.W. Bush administration.

I'm convinced that we'll be seeing different incarnations of this once great trilogy in every new film format that's introduced over the next hundred or so years (just wait for the hologram version of Star Wars where you can actually get inside of Jar Jar Binks and walk around).

This, folks, is the definition of too much of a good thing.


  1. I'm right there with you on this one. I grew up loving Darth Vader in the 80's and even after Jedi, I was able to say, "See, he had a heart too."

    Then episode 1, ugh, saw it on the big screen, and was sick afterwards. Then the next two went on to ruin one of my most favorite villains of all time. Suddenly he was nothing but a super talented whining idiot. I'm done with Star Wars. I'll watch Empire and IV, and sit through Jedi, but I'm pretending those other spoofs, are just that. Parodies.

  2. You said it perfectly: Anakin (or how ever you spell his name) is a total whiny idiot. He's also like in his mid-20's from Episode II onwards, so it makes him seem like a weirdly immature spoiled brat. Lucas should never, ever had made those movies. And don't even get me started on the Crystal Skull Indiana Jones madness. I hear they're wanting to make another Indy movie. Please Lord let it not happen.