Tuesday, September 27, 2011


As a tireless advocate for spam, I've grown tired of watching spam get smeared in the press, sick to death of the awful things people say about it every day. I know there are lots of you out there who'd never admit it to friends, or maybe even to yourself, but deep down, you know that spam is beautiful. You know that without it, the sun wouldn't shine as bright. The colors of the rainbow would turn from red and yellow to gray.

It's time to come out of the shadows. It's time to fight the good fight.

Yes, that's right: I'm starting a Spam Political Action Committee (SPAMPAC).

Think about the manifold good spam has brought into our lives. Spam keeps us grounded. When we bloggers have had a run of great comments on a particular post, our heads inflate. We think we're awesome and will soon overtake Arianna Huffington's empire.

Not so, says the spam. Case in point: you see that you've got a fresh new comment. Your hands shiver with anticipation as you click on the link to open it, only to find this:

Hi there there! This publish couldn’t be created any far better! Reading through by means of this publish reminds me of my prior space mate! He constantly stored discussing this.

Ah, I see, spam. Your space mate was constantly stored discussing this, eh? Please, tell me more.

I’ll ahead this short article to him. Rather certain he’ll have a very very good go through. Thanks for sharing

Nice words, but obviously computer-generated. You see? Spambots keep you from getting too big for your britches. And this is where spam's value is underrated. I have decided to stand up for this underrepresented group because our Constitution guarantees them certain inalienable rights, and I'll be God darned if I let anyone trample on their liberty anymore! I'm taking my country back!

Will you join me? If so, call your senator and tell him/her, "If you vote against spam again, if you chip away any more at their hard-won freedoms"--after all, spam fought honorably in the Civil War and in every conflict since then (except Korea, where they abstained and were thrown into jail for their acts of civil disobedience)--"if you stamp out their sweet light forever from this Earth, I will never vote for you again!"

Come on, everyone! Let's link arms and fight for spam before it's too late!

*Paid for by SPAMPAC and SPAMPAC's sponsors (who include mainly spambots)

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